Around mile 100 on the Colorado Trail I stopped hiking completely. Just outside of Breckenridge, where I’d quit hiking two years prior for a different sort of adventure. And yet here I was again, having lost faith in humanity somewhere in between.
I camped there in the mountains for almost a month. Laying with mountain goats, unable to move in any direction.
I meditated beside roaring mountain streams of snow melt, listening to the white noise that soothed my hyperactive HPA axis like a gentle massage.
Nothing mattered. There was no point.
I’d run out of food and hike down to the bus into Frisco. Invisible to a world I’d never felt part of, always afraid they’d find out I wasn’t human, wasn’t like the other kids in the trailer park.
I was alone because my toxic trait is that I want to be loved, and I couldn’t find anyone who understood what that meant.
I appreciate raw honesty. Be real with me, and I’ll be real with you.
Don’t expect me to read between the lines or play guessing games.
Just be who you really are.
At least around me.
And there in the mountains, silent for far too long, I realized that I had the definitions reversed. I was human. Part of a small minority not hiding insecurities and deeply suppressed shame behind a mask they were afraid to remove.
Authenticity builds a connection.
Pretense builds a wall.
Be brave enough to take off the mask.
#iloveyou #lovefool #coloradotrail